Despite What You May Have Heard, I Am Not A Gremlin

I'm sure I'll be looking just like this post surgery. After all, I will be on drugs.

Today is the big day; the day that my hiatal hernia gets kicked to the curb. But don’t feel bad for it; it has been an unwanted, obnoxious, and unruly resident of my torso for the past 2+ years, clearly over-staying its welcome.

In prep for surgery, I was informed that I had to stop eating solid food after midnight (which I did). Apparently the doctor feared that I might actually be a gremlin in disguise, and I guess operating on a gremlin is not covered by his malpractice insurance. Plus, that means I would have had to make a pulsating green cocoon for myself such as seen in the movie Gremlins, and I’m all out of pulsating green goo for which to build said cocoon.

I was permitted to consume clear liquids such as water and tea until 5 am. After that, however, I wasn’t allowed anything, not even water. Because clearly dear friends, a large bowl of air is truly the breakfast of champions.

If you happen to be reading this post around 9 am, I will be in the process of getting prepped for surgery. As far as I am aware, this includes getting hooked up to various IVs, heart rate monitors, and other machines that go bing. Machines that go bing are the most scientific of all machines. They are the ones to pay the most attention.

The big show – also known as the grand slice and dice – doesn’t occur until 11 am. What exactly does surgery involve? Well, I could get all technical and describe the details of moving my stomach, stitching up a few things, and performing various other acrobatics with my innards, but it’s much easier to point you to this link to get all the gory scientific information. Plus, I’m feeling lazy. That happens when one is only allowed to consume air after 5 am. But I digress.

Following surgery – and that could be as late as 1:30 pm – I shall be moved from the operating room to recovery. There I will slowly make my way from the magical land of anesthesia back to reality. And likely this is when I will realize that my abs have just been sliced and diced. From there, I will be moved to my room where I shall stay until the doctor is convinced that I can process solid food. That’s fancy medical jargon for a number 2. I’m sure there are other things that will determine when I can leave the building, but that was one of the main criterion the nurse told me about during pre-op last week.

Anyway, I’ll do my best to keep you updated on my progress (I have a few posts pre-written just in case I’m too smashed post hernia to write). Since I’m not allowed to bring any electronics to the hospital, I will try to take pen to paper to record my deep thoughts, my profound observations, and my life-changing experiences. Or I’ll just record whatever gibberish that comes to mind while I’m floating on a self-administered morphine cloud. Either way, I’m sure it will be entertaining.


8 thoughts on “Despite What You May Have Heard, I Am Not A Gremlin”

  1. In some cultures women, post birth, fry up their placenta and eat it while having a grand ol’ party. Granted you’re not having a baby and don’t have a placenta .. But haven’t you always wanted to try fried hernia?!

  2. It’s 9:23 am as I read this, and you’re being prepped. Kick that hiatal hernia to the curb fo’ sho’, and recover quickly- there are many mountains to climb! But enough about you. It’s my 30 minus 1 day, and how am I celebrating? By working. Yay me. Me me me. (In serious, sending Inspiration vibes for a smooth procedure… Keep us updated…)

  3. Wait- that was 9:23 am Calgary time! Which means… you were already being sliced and diced when I wrote that. Just thought I would clarify for the universe.

  4. Our rental car broke down today, and I can only assume that it’s because you used up all the good luck with a successful surgery, which is soon to be followed by a successful number 2 and a quick recovery. I hope you appreciate my contribution to your rapid return to good health!

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