Tag Archives: stupid voice

Eff It

Except today isn’t Wednesday.

So apparently it’s Tuesday. For some reason, I spent the better part of the day under the impression it was Wednesday. I should have known today was going to be odd when I woke up from a restless sleep wondering where I was.

In case you are wondering, I was in my own bed1. I just couldn’t process that information. Waking up from what I gather was a rather tumultuous and disturbing2 dream, it took a while for me to place my surroundings. My heart raced in the process, and I struggled to catch my breath. I wrestled with my brain to figure out what was going on – why I was in the state that I was in – but the more I tried to grasp whatever it was that had caused the panic, the more it slipped from my grip.

Not the way that I wanted to start my day.

All I can remember is that I had a dream where I was told by someone whom I assume was important to me that I wasn’t good enough. Seriously, I wish I were making this up. I’m not sure if the dream included scenes that proved that I didn’t measure up, or if I added that after the fact to fill in the very large holes in my memory. Regardless, I woke up panicking and feeling like a giant bag of useless.

I’d like to say that the feeling faded as quickly as the memory of the dream, but it didn’t. I went about my morning – making breakfast, feeding Elliot, shaving, showering, the like – in a bit of a funk. That stupid voice in my head kept repeating You aren’t good enough.

A simple but powerful reminder.

Prior to leaving the house I had to stop for a minute and just breathe. I took stock of the situation: I appreciate that self-doubt happens. And I appreciate that I’m not always going to feel like a million bucks. But what I can’t accept is that this dream – a dream that I can’t even remember – is going to set the course of my day.

And then I said something aloud that I learned to say with conviction years ago whenever I was filled with doubt or unease:

Eff it3.

And with that a sense of calm came over me. I got on my bike and headed off to school. By the time I was there the feelings that the dream evoked were a distant memory. In their place, I found myself smirking and chuckling at thoughts that could have been the end of a great day.

What does this story have to do with me not knowing whether or not today is Tuesday or Wednesday?

I have no idea.


1 Because my bed is awesome. And also because I am pure and wholesome. Write that down folks, there’ll be a test later.

2 And apparently scary as all hell – because I woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for air, and completely freaked out of my mind. Glamorous, no?

3 Except in place of Eff I may or may not have used the actual Eff-word. But since my mom reads this, I’m going to insist that I only said Eff. Because I’m pure and wholesome. Don’t believe me? See footnote number 1.