My Personal Band Of Misfits

I saw the movie 30 Minutes Or Less the other day, starring Jesse Eisenberg (of Social Network and Zombieland fame) and Aziz Ansari (of the hilarious television show Parks and Recreation). For those who are unfamiliar with this particular movie, the plot centres around a going-nowhere man named Nick (played by Eisenberg) who is kidnapped, dressed in an explosive-vest, and forced to rob a bank. When he realizes that he is in this particular predicament, he seeks out the only person he can think of – his best friend Chet, played by Ansari – to help him pull off the heist.

For your viewing pleasure, I offer you the trailer for the movie.

Now, while this movie will likely not be up for any sort of award nomination, it was fun, light-ish, and funny. But an evaluation of this movie, this post is not. Instead, what I wanted to talk about was the premise of this movie. That is, it got me thinking – who might I ask to rob a bank with me if perchance someone strapped a bomb to my chest?

Note: To any law enforcement officer(s) who might be reading this particular post, please note that I have not now, or ever, had the inclination, motivation, or desire to rob a bank. Nor am I planning on robbing a bank. That is all.

So, who might I select for my bank robbing team? Well, let me first assume that I’d require 8 members on the team (including myself). I’m guessing I’d need

  • someone to plan/coordinate everything,
  • someone to scout the location,
  • someone to keep an eye on things,
  • someone to use his/her sexuality and confidence to obtain the necessary information from someone else who might have said necessary information (in a sexy way of course),
  • someone to play the role of muscle (i.e., the brawn),
  • someone to crack a safe,
  • someone to provide a distraction, and
  • someone to drive the getaway car.

Am I missing any key player? No idea. As I’ve mentioned, I’m not actually planning this, so I am not putting too much thought into it.

You’ll note that I haven’t listed a weapons expert. I think the fact that this hypothetical situation started with someone strapping a bomb to my chest means that we wouldn’t need one. Additionally, I’d rather not use weapons. That’s just the way I roll.

Without any further ado, here is my list of the usual suspects who might act as key members on my bank robbing team. Note that I only list a person once, although some of these misfits could easily be swapped for other roles. My friends are clearly multi-talented.

  • The Brain – I’m guessing that would be me, since I’m “organizing” this band of misfits. Other potential candidates: Kevin, Arlene, or Matt – some of the smartest people I know.
  • The Scout – This person would be required to research the perfect ‘hit’, understand the layout, the people who come and go, determine patterns, find loopholes, etc. Thankfully, I have a lot of friends who are detail oriented, great researchers, and being mainly statisticians, can find patterns where others cannot. So, I would have to list Steph, Gerarda, Sean, Heather, Jana, Manon, or Lorna here. If you ever need things organized or researched, these are the people you’d want to call.
  • The Lookout – This person would necessarily require good eyes, but also a steady constitution should things go south. Based on travel experiences with the first person, and having worked for a while with the second person, I can say without a doubt that Rick or Victoria would easily satisfy these requirements. Both of them are unflappable. Unflappable I says. And in a pinch could also act as the beauty, or the distraction.
  • The Beauty – This list could be huge as my friends are clearly a bunch of sexy bitches. Instead, I’ll select those who have proven the ability to exude sexuality and confidence, and whom I think would be able to sexily extract information from those that might have it. From the women’s camp, that would be Aqleema, Beth, Erin, or Lara. From the men’s camp, that would be Bum, Dominic, Ryan, or Steve. Don’t get too excited though folks – your inclusion here does not imply that I’m looking for anything more than what we have already. Of course, I’m not saying it doesn’t imply that either. Ha!
  • The Brawn – Every job requires some muscle. Of course, muscle-y power isn’t necessarily restricted to muscles. It also includes those who, with a simple look, could stop you in your tracks. These are the people who have faced adversity and laughed in its stupid little face. So whom do I know that packs the muscle-y stop-you-in-your-tracks laugh-in-the-stupid-face-of-adversity power that might be required for a job such as this? Definitely Patrick. Definitely Dave. And most definitely Rebecca and Mandi. But above all else, I’d have to pick Janis. She’s kick-your-ass-with-a-smile-and-a-giggle awesome (which is by far the best kind of brawn out there). Seriously.
  • The Locksmith – The locksmith is someone with the ability to crack locks, clearly important when dealing with such things as bank vaults, tills, and safes. Of course, this is a tricky category as I’m not aware of any friends with this particular brand of skill. I’m thinking the next best thing would be some sort of computer nerd that might be able to program something that would unlock a safe or vault. In that case, I’d have to pick Jasper, Glenn, or Mitch. They’re crafty and computer-nerdy that way.
  • The distraction – This particular person must be able to provide a distraction for the cops. That is, they should be able to outrun the cops, given the chance, and/or run for an extended period of time. Further, they must look like someone the cops would want to chase. This should be for sexy or suspicious reasons. Or both. In this case, I’d pick Carolyn or Jamie. Both are, or have been runners and both clearly look sexy suspicious. Or is that suspiciously sexy? Doesn’t matter really.
  • The driver – A most important job. The driver has to take us far from the scene of the crime, fast. Really fast. And often, avoiding other cars, people, and of course, the fuzz. In this case, based on personal experience, I’d have to pick my brother Aidan or Mark. Trust me when I say that they have the required skills for this particular job.

Anyway – that’s my list. I’m sure I have other friends who would easily fit the bill for any or all of these jobs, but these are the people who first came to mind. For those friends that aren’t listed, you might breathe easy knowing that I won’t call on you should I have to rob a bank with a bomb strapped to my chest. Or I may have just overlooked your obvious skills, and when pressed for the perfect misfit in my band of misfits, I might suddenly have the revelation that points me in your direction. Consider yourself warned.

I leave you with this question: were a bomb strapped to your chest, and you were forced to rob a bank, who would be on your misfit list?


3 Comments Add yours

  1. Jasper Tey says:

    Hilarious. Sadly, I am not good at any sort of de-crypting type nerdery as you suggest. However, I would be good at documenting the whole thing and putting together an action packed video on YouTube!

  2. Carolyn says:

    Love. I am totally sexpicious & happy to participate in criminal offenses with you any day. Between law school classes and all. 😉

  3. Beth says:

    When I read you list of the types of people you would need for this bank heist, I was like, “Please let me by the sexy one! Please let me be the sexy one!” And then I totally was! I promise to practice exuding sexuality and confidence to get info out of people at every chance I get, just so I’ll be prepared for my duties when you call upon me. With great sexiness, comes great responsibility.

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