Wanted: One Minion

Tim the Minion, from the movie Despicable Me.

Over the last couple of days, I’ve had several conversations with people about the same thing: the need for a minion. According to my very trusty dictionary, a min•ion is a follower or underling of a powerful person. The dictionary further defines a min•ion as one who is servile or unimportant.

Now, let’s get a couple of things in order here: I am by no means a powerful person, nor do I aspire to be one. Further, when I speak of minion, I do not speak of someone who is unimportant. To the contrary, minions are highly important. Where would Dr. Frankenstein be without Igor? Where would Darth Vader be without his Stormtroopers? Where would George Bush be without his Dick Cheney (or should that be the other way around)?

Indeed, minions are absolutely essential. Granted, the examples I’ve provided are all examples of evil minions (more or less – some might argue that the Stormtroopers were just doing their jobs; or that Igor was only doing what he did because he was neglected as a child, ridiculed for his hump, and thus would do anything for validation and approval; I’ve no idea how to argue the dynamic that was the Bush/Cheney fiasco), but they are still essential. In fact, I think when most people hear the term minion, their minds immediately lean towards a negative connotation. But that isn’t necessarily the case. And of course, I am not looking for an evil minion, as I seek only to serve the powers of good. For now. Muah.

Anyway, all of this talk of a minion got me thinking about the perfect minion for me. Truthfully, I think I’d require two minions – one for work, and one for home. I only suggest this because I’m not sure that someone would want to take on the role of Dan’s Minion both in both places. So, after giving it some thought (and by some, I mean very little), I present to you two lists of things that I would want in an office or home minion. Did I miss anything?

Home Minion

The successful applicant for Home Minion (HM) should be able to

  • cook up a feast using the contents of my refrigerator (for example, what could you make with only a packet of mayonnaise that may or may not be several years old, a can of orange juice, a dried onion, half an english muffin, and oregano).
  • drive me to and fro, especially in rainy weather.
  • launder my clothes, and perhaps my money.
  • pay my bills when they arrive, preferably with their own money.
  • keep the house clean, with carpets vacuumed, floors shiny’d, counters decrumbed, and bathrooms left smelling of very manly roses.
  • remain out of sight and out of mind at all times.
  • to never speak of that closet in my bedroom that still contains boxes of crap that I’ve yet to unpack after my move over 4 years ago.
  • produce chocolate, coffee, lattes, cake, pie, or any other treat on a moments notice.
  • provide the worlds best massage.

Office Minion

The successful applicant for Office Minion (OM) should be able to

  • take excellent notes during meetings, so that I might nap with my eyes open.
  • keep me on time for all appointments. Be creative; a trail of m&m’s could guide me where I’m going.
  • write-up articles, opinion pieces, commentaries, etc., while I dictate.
  • be able to translate my ramblings as I dictate.
  • be able to improve my ramblings as dictated, such that they read as if I were intelligent, and what I wrote was worthy of attention.
  • clean my office.
  • produce chocolate, coffee, lattes, cake, pie, or any other treat on a moments notice.
  • provide the worlds best massage.

To those out there that are reading either of these lists and thinking I could do that, I could be an HM or OM, please pass your resume (along with 3 references) on to me. The search for a successful candidate or candidates shall remain open until further notice is provided. Should you pass the rigourous pre-screening, you’ll be contacted for an interview (do not contact us). The pay is low ($0.00 per hour) and the hours are long. But, what you lose with low pay and long hours, we make up for with the personal satisfaction that my life is somehow easier.

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11 Comments Add yours

  1. Dr. Beth says:

    One important thing is missing from your list of tasks for the Office Minion:

    Sort through emails as they come in, deal with the 99% of them that Dr. Dan should not be bothered with (e.g., meeting requests, stuff you’ve been cc’d on that has nothing whatsoever to do with you) and provide only the 1% of emails that are worthwhile (e.g, emails from Beth, Rick, Steph and the like) to Dr. Dan.

    1. dangillis says:

      I did miss that. However, I’ve set my computer to do that sort of thing for me. Remember the folder of ‘Awesome’. I really only ever pay attention to that during the day. Granted, when you posted here, I was walking home or to vote.

      I did forget to mention that I could be convinced to offer payment in the form of hugs and cookies, but the exact details would have to be negotiated.

      1. Dr. Beth says:

        Computers are taking over the job of minions now?? What would Karl Marx say??

  2. Rick says:

    I agree with Beth! Because all of our e-mails are worthwhile and should get your complete attention.

    1. Dr. Beth says:

      Exactly! See, Dan, you probably had to wade through a bunch of useless emails before you got the notification of Rick’s reply and thus were deprived of his brilliance for several minutes!

    2. dangillis says:

      And that, my dear friend, is why they immediately go into the FOLDER OF AWESOME!

  3. You have a much better idea of what kind of minion you want than I ever did, haha! *fingers crossed good minions come your way*.

    1. dangillis says:

      I’ve been minion-less for quite some time. It’s given me a lot of time to be all minion-thinky.

  4. Rick says:

    What about payment in the form of a punch to the face?

    1. dangillis says:

      So long as it’s not a punch to my face.

      1. Your Favourite Person says:

        Darn that is what I was bringing to the market and breakfast tomorrow.

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