This Calls For A Double D-Cup Of Scotch

Khan - showing off his bad-ass superhuman genetically engineered space man-cleavage.

Today is March 30th, 2012 – the 90th day of the year, thank you very much leap year – and apparently also National Cleavage Day. Sadly, I didn’t realize it was National Cleavage Day, otherwise I might have dressed more, um, appropriately.

What’s that you say? National Cleavage Day isn’t about man-cleavage?

Damn, just when I thought I could show off my oh-so-manly chest, my hopes have been squashed.

Ah well. It’s probably to everyone’s benefit that I didn’t unleash my chiseled man-chesticles1.

Anyway, before this post goes completely off the rails2, you might be wondering why someone as cl-assy and mature as myself might be writing about National Cleavage Day.

Well, it started off innocently enough. You see, I decided to ask the all-knowing, all-powerful Google what it might know about today-in-history. I was curious about important births, relevant deaths, and life-changing historical moments. All of these were instantly at my fingertips, of course, but any serious attempt to research vanished the minute I spied National Cleavage Day.

Yes, my mind is that easily distracted.

Naturally, you might be wondering why on earth I was querying the interwebs for information pertaining to today in the first place? Well, it turns out that today is my dad’s birthday. And not just any birthday. Today he turns 70.

Holy crapshark. Seventy years old. That’s equivalent to 25 567 days (including leap years and today). Put another way, my dad has been alive for approximately 613 608 hours.

If those hours were converted into full-time jobs – where we assume 2 weeks of vacation per year and a typical 40 hour work week – they would represent enough time to gainfully employ slightly more than 12 people for 25 years.

If instead we consider the fact that my dad has been alive for over 2 208 988 800 seconds, and light travels at a rate of 299 792 458 metres per second, then the light emitted from a star born on the same day as my dad would reach earth right about now if it were over 6.622 238 182 × 1014 kilometres away. How far away is that? Really far. You’d have to travel to Pluto and back about 55 992 times to cover the same distance3. To put that into perspective, the New Horizons Probe is currently flying through the infinite blackness of space towards Pluto. It was launched in January of 2006, and isn’t expected to reach Pluto until sometime in July of 2015.

Point is, my dad is 70 and that clearly is something to be celebrated.

So a giant happy seven-zero Dad. You’ll be happy to know that I’m having a glass of scotch in your honour while I spend my eve playing with numbers – something I’ve loved to do since a kid; something that you’ve always encouraged me to do; and something that has brought me to a point in my life where I can say without reservation that I love my job and I can’t believe I get to do this for a living. I guess what I’m saying is thank you for always encouraging the nerd that I was, am, and inevitably will be when I too hit 70 years old.

You know what, all y’all? My dad is 70 – this calls for another scotch.

1 Note to all, I apologize for that gawd-awful image. Additionally, in the interest of full disclosure, I have the chest of a 12-year-old boy. Actually, a 12-year-old is probably more muscular than me.

2 Assuming by this point, it’s still on the rails, or even started on the rails to begin with.

3 Where of course we are assuming Pluto is an average distance of 5 913 520 000 kilometres away from earth. Of course.

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