Holy Expletive-ing Hell

WTF indeed.

Yesterday I received a phone call from my Dad. It went something like this:

Dad: By the way, I had to take your mother to the hospital today because of chest pain.

Me: A short moment of stunned silence where I processed this little nugget of slap-me-in-the-face reality and what it could mean, while at the same time bracing for what was to follow. What? Is she alright?

Dad: She seems fine now. They’re keeping her for observations to test her heart. Apparently she’s been having chest pain for about a week.

Me: What1?

Anyway, after some further conversation I hung up content that my mom was fine.

Flash forward to this morning. I was lying in bed with the wee fuzzball when my phone rang. Normally my phone does not ring at that time of the day, so it startled me and scared the bejesus out of Elliot. It was my Dad. This morning’s conversation went something like this:

Dad: So I’m not calling about your Mom.

Me: That’s good. I replied, although immediately wondering what was up.

Dad: Becky [my sister-in-law] had to take Makenzie [my niece] to the hospital. She’s got some blockage or something.

Me (rather incredulously): What?

Dad: They’re at McMaster. She probably needs surgery.

Me (again – incredulously): What?

Dad: But they had to be there anyway, because Sydney [my niece – Makenzie’s younger sister] is having her heart tests today2.

Me: Holy expletive-ing hell. You have got to be expletive-ing kidding me.

I chatted with my Dad a little further before we hung up so that he could pass on the information to my other brothers.

Fortunately everyone is going to be fine – I mean, my family is nothing if not resilient3.

Really? REAALY?

However – and pardon me if I am so bold – I have to ask:

Dearest Universe, what gives? Another round of hospital visits and surgeries? Really? Really? Because the month Haley spent in the hospital wasn’t enough? And the months that my brother spent in the hospital – also not enough? Really? Really? Are you expletive-ing kidding me?

You know, lining up all of these things makes the situation almost comical. Almost. I mean, how can so much happen in such a short period of time to one family? It’s beyond comprehension. The only thing that keeps me from losing my mind is knowing that Bernie and Becky have already survived so much and have come out of all of it stronger than when they went in. My family too. So I know we’ll get through this, and that in time the pain and worry will fade to a distant memory, replaced with happier memories full of my nieces’ laughter, and their mischief, and lots of shenanigans.

Because if we’re good at anything, it’s clearly getting through situations like this.

And shenaniganning. We’re really good at that too.


1 Dear Mom, are you freaking kidding me? When one has chest pains, one does not wait for over a week to get them checked out. You are so grounded5.

2 Sydney’s heart, it seems, has decided to race. Who it’s racing, I don’t know. All I know is that at times it is racing about 3 times too fast, and for no apparent reason. I’m thinking perhaps she’s a hummingbird. I’ll let you know how this theory pans out.

3 As evidence, might I remind you of the little boo-boo my brother Bernie has been dealing with since last October, and the minor bought of flesh-eating disease that my niece Haley dealt with just almost 2 years ago4.

4 And yes, for those wondering, Sydney and Makenzie are Haley’s sisters. Bernie is their father. So yes, at present the family has one member who kicked flesh-eating disease’s ass, one sister who is dealing with some weird heart issues, one sister who just kicked her appendix to the door, and a father who survived a wicked car crash. I’m pretty sure that means they are made of Awesome.

5 It’s so hard to raise parents these days.

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11 Comments Add yours

  1. Dusty Heels says:

    I like the way you wait to explain something with footnote references. My brother in law is a professional writer and only just explained to me, the amateur writer, that parenthesis break the concentration of the reader. I may have to try it your way instead. Would that be okay with you? Sorry your family is going through another round of surgeries. I thought your comment about raising parents these days was pretty accurate AND funny.

    1. dangillis says:

      By all means – use the footnotes 🙂 I got the idea from my friend Beth. I consider my theft of her idea a form of “flattery”. LOL.

      Thanks for reading.

  2. freefrednice says:

    you made me laugh, i mean, i feel kinda bad, but still, i laughed, well played 😉

    1. dangillis says:

      Awesome. I’m glad you enjoyed the read. 🙂

  3. Beth says:

    Please do spread the footnotes. Footnotes for all, I say! I use so many footnotes in my blog postings that a guy I met who started reading my blog was convinced I was a huge David Foster Wallace fan 1 who was paying him homage.

    1DFW’s book Infinite Jest has the most epic of all footnotes in the history of ever.

    1. dangillis says:

      Footnoted comments FTW!

      Well played Dr. Beth. Well played.

      1. Beth says:

        Damnit, my (without the spaces) code didn’t work in comments.

        1. Beth says:

          Argh! It got stripped out again! I had a “”.

          1. Beth says:

            Holy hell, why won’t your comments box then me put in the greater than and less than symbols????

            1. dangillis says:

              I’ve no idea. No idea at all.

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