Tonight I headed out to see Skyfall with the doctors1. This was after celebrating a 12 kilometre run with a couple of pints and a half order of salt and pepper chicken wings at The Baker Street Station2.
Without giving away anything about the movie, I can tell you that I loved it. Action – check. Adventure – check. Martinis – check. Espionage – check. Gadgets – check. Bond bedding several women – check, and check. Everything that makes a Bond flick a Bond flick was present.
After the movie I started thinking about the major characters that make up the Bond movies; Q, M, the suspiciously and typically double-entendre named Bond Girl, and of course the man himself – Bond. And then I got to thinking, which of these characters am I most like? Am I the gun-toting, spy-chasing, death-defying stuntman Bond? Or perhaps I’m M – the brain behind the spies calling all the shots?
And so, after much consideration3 I present to you dear readers an evaluation of my role in the Bond universe. Note that the probabilities (presented as a percent range) were determined using a top-secret mathematical equation4.
- Q; the über nerdy, über intelligent gadget-making behind the scenes lab-rat in the Bond universe.
- This might seem like a no-brainer. Both Q and I are nerdy. Both Q and I like gadgets. In some sense, my sitting behind a computer and playing with numbers all day is akin to Q’s role as lab-rat. And in the rarest of occasions I too can pass as intelligent. Where we differ is in our gadget making ability. Q is clearly a maestro in this realm. Me? I can put together Ikea furniture, assuming I have the instructions.
- Probability that I’d make a good Q: 76-87%.
- M; the cold-hearted, calculating, intelligent, behind the desk puppet master of all of the double-0 spies at M16.
- I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t necessarily make the best M. While I do – at times – have minions, I wouldn’t be able to send them into harm’s way. And while I might be described as cold-hearted, I would not be able to sacrifice one of my minions for any reason. It’s just not in me.
- Probability that I’d make a good M: 41-62%.
- Bond Girl; the seductress and curiously named object of Bond’s affection who sometimes end up covered in gold paint, drowned, tarred, or poisoned by assassin ninja darts. According to Wikipedia, they are often ubiquitous symbols of glamour and sophistication.
- While my birth name is not – at least to me – curious, there is a game where you take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on to determine your Drag-Queen name. In my case, that would be Blackie Genevieve. While I can’t imagine ever using this as my nom-de-plume, I think it might actually fit as a Bond Girl’s name. I guess what I lack in seductress I make up for with a curiously awesome Bond Girl name. Also, I’ve never been covered in gold paint, drowned, tarred, or poisoned by assassin ninja darts. At least not that I’m aware.
- Probability that I’d make a good Bond Girl: 74-81% – but only because of the name.
- Bond; the manly super-spy with an ability to seduce anyone while protecting a nation, fighting off bad guys, avoiding bullets, and driving the coolest of cars. Bond is the man.
- Here I take pause, because perhaps I am a super-spy. In that case, would I tell you? Wouldn’t that be blowing my cover? Then again, perhaps telling you I’m a spy might throw you off the reality that I spend my days playing with equations, while at night I’m flying around the world taking out the super-villains, bedding multiple would-be Bond Girls, and saving the world from total anarchy – only to be home in time to grab a coffee and teach my class. Hmm, I guess we’ll never really know.
- Probability that I’d make a good Bond: 0-100%.
So there you have it folks; I’m either Q, or I’m Bond5. The math doesn’t lie. I’ll leave it up to you to decide who I am. Let me just leave you with this last thought: I love martinis.
1 Gerarda, Alan, and Victoria.
2 Okay, I actually ordered the full order of wings but could only manage to eat 4. The rest are currently aging in my fridge for lunch or dinner tomorrow.
3 And by much consideration I mean the time spent driving from the theatre to my home.
4 Read – I made them up.
5 I so hope that I’m Bond. I mean, really, I don’t know one man who wouldn’t want to be as manly and cool as Bond.
- 50 Years of Bond Girl Fashion (fashionista.com)
- Quiz: Drag Queen or Bond Girl? (theatlanticwire.com)
- Features: Bond at 50: Who is the greatest Bond Girl? (walesonline.co.uk)
- 4 Lessons From Bond For Normal Guys (mancave.cbslocal.com)
- Bond Girls: 007’s 25 Best (And Worst) Leading Ladies (news.moviefone.com)