Apparently I’m rather dumb. Or naive. Likely both.
Anyway, I’m sure that I’ve mentioned that I’m going to be getting my hiatal hernia fixed. Specifically, next Friday, August the 5th I’m going under the knife. And while this has been a long time coming, I was still a bit floored today when I went for my Pre-Op meeting.
Before we get to why I was floored, understand that in my head, hernia surgery is not a big deal. In fact, it’s a non-issue what with modern medicine being all modern and medicine-y like. Knowing that, it should come as no surprise that I had assumed that this would be a day surgery event, followed by a few days of feeling like a big bag of smashed hammers, and then a slow but steady return to fighting form (read no running and biking for a week or so).
Flash to me in the nurses office discussing the procedure. It was today that I learned (or maybe finally understood) that I could be in the hospital for 3 days – depending on how the doctor believes I’m healing. It’s not so much to monitor the incisions (although that is part of it), but it’s to make sure that my stomach is functioning properly and that I can actually eat solid food. Keep in mind that my stomach has decided to migrate through my cardiac (or lower oesophageal) sphincter. Hence the doctor has to pull it down, perform some funky acrobatics with it to help prevent future migrations, and then return it to its rightful place. I guess that might upset it, and make it not function the way it should. Gah!
Not only that, but the nurse informed me that I might be off work for up to 6 weeks. Six. Weeks. What the what? Anyone who knows me will realize immediately that I have a really hard time sitting still for any length of time. It’s not that I can’t relax – I can, and I do, and I love it – but this won’t be sitting around in a relaxing manner, and that is going to drive me bat shit crazy. I repeat, bat shit crazy!
Even better; I naively informed the director of my department that I’d be off Friday and maybe Monday. How stupid did I feel this afternoon when I sent him a follow-up email to inform him that my maybe 1 or 2 days off might turn into a few weeks. Gah!
Ultimately, this is going to throw a wrench in a lot of my summer goals. The yoga challenge, the marathon, the century bike ride, climbing more mountains, travelling every month. Gah. Gah. Gah. Gah to the freaking Gah.
Clearly the universe is trying to remind me that I am in fact human. And that I should probably listen to the best advice out there and take the time to fully recover so that I can get back to training and doing the things that I love instead of pushing myself too hard and screwing my body up further, thus prolonging any necessary down time. Stupid universe reminding me that I have limitations. You do not amuse me. In fact, this reminds me of something my very wise friend Aqleema recently wrote (and when she writes, one should read, because her writings are often hilarious, profound, thought-provoking, and full of awesome):
When the universe tells you ‘No’,
there is only one thing left to do.
Bitch slap it.
I really want to bitch slap the universe right about now. Instead, I’ll take my medicine and be a good little patient and be stronger for having done so. But that doesn’t mean I won’t still hope that this is all just a ‘worst case scenario’ situation, and in the end I’ll heal up super quick, super strong, ready to fight in no time at all. Then again, if that shan’t be the case dear readers, be comforted knowing that I’ll likely post more ramblings as I’m going to be undoubtedly bored to tears.
Oh, and for those who have asked – I’m going to do what I can to film or photograph whatever I can of the surgery. Be prepared 🙂
In somewhat related news – the Pre-Op visit has provided me with confirmation that my resting heart rate is in fact 48 beats per minute (as documented here). This however does not answer the question as to when one is considered a Zombie. Further research is clearly needed.
Related articles
- Hiatal Hernia Repair Procedures (brighthub.com)
- Butter knife bad bet for do-it-yourself hernia repair, California man learns (cbsnews.com)
consumedbywanderlust 
More time with Elliot. He’ll take good care of you, as long as you open some cans for him a couple of times per day. Maybe if you let him lick your flesh wounds, the magic healing enzymes in his saliva will activate super healing powers. Or maybe not.
The Universe is clearly advising that taking some time to rest can be a good thing. You’ll enjoy it and I’ll enjoy reading all your bloggities. Pictures are a must!
Good luck with your surgery, you’ll be in our thoughts!
Ooh, I hadn’t thought about the magic healing enzymes – great idea. He is a very licky cat 🙂
And no worries – I promise to take it as easy as I possibly can. It won’t be easy, but I’ll do it.
I’m not sure you want kitty getting the taste for your flesh. You may never sleep or look at your kitty the same way again.
A weak bitch slap never leaves a mark. Gather your strength and give that Mother a solid left hook in a few weeks.
*sidenote, thanks for the most wonderful mention!
Weak bitch slap? Perish the thought. I shall make sure to build enough strength to adequately remind the universe who is boss in this little battle.
Good luck at healing Dan. I know when I was having my face redone, I didn’t actually bitch slap anything. I was a good patient as well. On the plus side, they gave me some heavy drugs.
Bumstead
I hope I get some sweet sweet drugs with this surgery. That will make the taking it easy so much easier. And I like easier taking it easy things. Who am I kidding, I just like easy things. 🙂
Also, I hope my abs/hernia/stomach look as good as your face when the surgeons are finished with me. That would be sweetness.
You should bribe an OR nurse to film the whole thing for you. Tell her it’s for ‘educational purposes’.
Good luck with the surgery (shouldn’t I really be saying that to the surgeon? honestly you just have to lie there in a drugged up coma. He/She’s the one who’s going to be going all Freddy Kreuger on your sphincter. While we’re on it, if I have to wish your surgeon “good luck” don’t you want a better one where luck doesn’t come into the equation? … anyhoo, I digress).
I am so framing Aqleema’s quote and hanging it on my office wall.
Tickled pink that things, and very deserving people, are going to start getting bitch-slapped because of me.
Dan, I will be sure to send you lots of things to distract you from your boredom at having to sit still to heal. Thankfully, it is 2011 so I can distract you via Twitter, Facebook, Google+, blogs, email, text, Facetime and probably a whole bunch of other social media that hasn’t yet been invented but will be invented by next Friday!